Bodies seem to be the topic of the week – who has one, who doesn’t, who wants one and more diets than we care to know about. In other words, none of the tabs have any NEWS for us this week. Except for the ENQUIRER.
Well, maybe not news but it sure as hell is better than the body bits you’ll hear about later.
The ENQUIRER blasts TOM & KATIE SPLIT OVER LIES ABOUT BABY… THE TRUTH ABOUT THEIR LIFE INSIDE TOM’S MANSION. Obviously, the story is about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes and the tabloid-fueled rumors about ‘what ever happened to baby Suri?
In case you’ve been living atop a mountain in Tibet, the tabloid world has gone agog because Tom hasn’t shown them baby Suri. That’s right, no photos, no holding the kid up in the air for everyone to see – nothing. The tabs are all lathered up because they think they – and you – have a right to see the baby. Well, here’s a news flash straight from Tabloid Tuesday World Headquarters – they don’t and neither do you. The screams of ‘prove to us there really is a baby’ are resonating on deaf ears. Tom and Katie are not under any obligation to show the baby to any of the tabs, news organizations, private detectives or even people like you who are curious what the baby looks like. Is it a bit strange? By Hollywood and Tom Cruise standards, not even close. Sure, most normal folks would take pride in showing off their new bundle of joy, but remember who we’re talking about here... So all the tabs are in a feeding frenzy, raising ridiculous questions and making incredible demands for Tom and Katie to prove to them the baby exists. Get a life!
Anyway, the ENQUIRER reports that “Secrecy surrounding invisible infant puts strain on marriage.” Quite catchy, but doesn’t mean a thing. They’re together, she hasn’t left, he hasn’t turned her into a Scientologist. Big yawn.
What else does the ENQUIRER bring us this week? Well, how about the story of how COCAINE BROKE UP HILARY SWANK’S MARRIAGE… THE REAL STORY. Sound familiar? It should – it’s been all over the place for the last month, ESPECIALLY after Hilary Swank told the world about it in a Vanity Fair article. Whoops! Looks like the old ENQUIRER is a day late and a dollar short – again.
Let’s move on to the bodies. Listen, if you enjoy looking at photos of young Hollywood stars and starlets in bikinis, short dresses, tight fitting clothes, lots of skin and hair – then you’re going to LOVE this week’s issue of STAR, US WEEKLY and IN TOUCH because that’s all there is. No news, no really juicy gossip, just a lot of photos of the same men and women we’ve all seen countless times.
IN TOUCH tries a new pitch with BODY CONFESSIONS … LINDSAY, BOOB JOB CONTROVERSY... KEIRA, ANOREXIA RUNS IN HER FAMILY… ASHLEE, RESPONS TO SURGERY RUMORS… KATE, TALKS ABOUT HER WEIGHT STRUGGLE.
Now make sure you know who these tragic, suffering, deformed women are – Lindsay Lohan, Keira Knightley, Ashlee Simpson, Kate Hudson. Is there any ONE of them that you think has a body to be ashamed of? Didn’t think so.
Ashlee Simpson – who’s 21 (wonder what they’ll say when she’s 30?) – according to IN TOUCH owes her new look to cosmetic surgery! Want to know what part turned her into a ‘blond bombshell’ according to the tab? She had a nose job! Yup, that’s all it took – from cute as a button to a hot tamale because, according to the story, she had a ‘nose reshaping surgery.’ Never mind the fact that she’s 21, works out, is 21, watches what she eats, is 21, takes care of herself and, did we mention, she’s 21!
IN TOUCH next turns to Keira Knightley. In the story, Keira is quoted as saying her grandmother and great-grandmother battled anorexia, but in the next sentence she lets the world know that she’s not anorexic. Even an expert quoted in the story says that someone can be as naturally thin as Kiera and not be anorexic. But that doesn’t stop the weight-watchers at IN TOUCH. Nope. Here’s how they handle the denial: “But Keira’s certainly looking slimmer than she was in 2003’s Love Actually, and it could be because she’s simply not taking care of herself.’
Get the point of how it’s going with INTOUCH?Kate Hudson put on some weight when she was pregnant and lost it in about three months, but that wasn’t fast enough for FAT POLICE at INTOUCH. Nope. According to the article “The star opens up about her battle to lose post-baby weight.”
We’re done with INTOUCH. Lost interest – and a few pounds.
US WEEKLY focuses on diets with EXTREME DIETS… INSIDE HOLLYWOOD’S DANGEROUS OBSESSION WITH BEING THIN… and of course the poster girls are Kiera Knightley and Kate Bosworth. Same photos we’ve seen before, same words, same conjectures about ‘have they gone too far.’ Nothing new here. But wait a minute – what about the EXTREME DIETS? Let’s check again…. Nope, nothing about that. As usual.
And then there’s the Star… hot pink and all. By the way, the photo on the cover of Carmen Electra beats any photos that IN TOUCH or US WEEKLY has on theirs this week. But as they taught Tabloid Tuesday in Journalism story – the story is the thing.
Star’s headlines announce THE NEW LIPO … NEW PROCEDURE MELTS FAT & TIGHTENS SKIN IN MINUTES! - & IT’S AFFORDABLE!... +12 SEXY CELEB DIETS THAT WORK!
Here we go, page 56 – THE NEW LIPO: MIRACLE FAT ZAPPER… hmm, only $3,000 - $4,000 per area (that’s “affordable”?) Before and after photos of The Rock, Howard Stern, Kathy Griffin… but where’s Carmen Electra?Nowhere in the story, that’s where… she’s on the cover, part of the “New Lipo” pitch – but as usual, what you see isn’t what you get. You gotta admit – when you’re expecting Carmen Electra and Kathy Griffin shows up, it’s a real let-down. But what else is new. And don’t even ask about the diets.
THE MEN.COM WORST OF THE WEEK: THERE’S A 3 WAY TIE – US WEEKLY, IN TOUCH and STAR. Nothing of substance, nothing of interest, not even close to reality. And after reading them, you still don’t know any more than you did just a few minutes ago.
THE MEN.COM BESTOF THE WEEK: NONE
Save your money. Go buy yourself an ice cream – you don’t want to wind up looking like Carmen Electra, do you?
QUOTE OF THE WEEK: According to the folks at IN TOUCH, Cameron Diaz said: “I need to have a cheeseburger now and again!” No wonder she didn’t make it on the cover of the tabs this week. Keep up the good work!
Tabloid Tuesday is syndicated every week by Men.Com and provides a review and analysis of the front page stories from the tabloids.